Sunday, November 13, 2011

Confounding Variables

Confound-to mingle so that the elements cannot be distinguished or separated. (courtesy of Dictionary.com)


Instead of a full-on race report, I thought I'd share some reflections from today's experience. And yes, this is a fairly emotional post-


Well, here's the good news: I finally completed the Rock N Roll San Antonio Half Marathon. Unfortunately, I ran it with a heavy heart. That being said, here's what I can tell you about my experience. For the record, I ran a three-minute personal worst time, however, I don't regret this race. It started out as a pilot test for how my new training plan is working out-but like the title says-there were some things that were beyond my control. A lot of them. 

I consider myself a strong runner and mentally tough athlete, and these two qualities had to be summoned like never before on the humid, warm streets of the Alamo City. I knew going into this I was practically training through it but expected to go mid 1:20s, unfortunately, that did not come to be. Here's some other variables that I knew affected performance, but never fully realized how much:

Since Tuesday, I had been under considerable stress due to encountering situations that I have never dealt with-we'll leave it at that. Additionally, I get a call Wednesday afternoon that my grandmother (who has always been incredibly supportive of me) is in ICU (oddly enough in the city I was set to race in), and it didn't look good. Flash forward to Friday and I head down I-10 not thinking of the race practically at all, with the exception of do I pull out, or do I go for it? How could I when there are things so much more important than running? After a brief deliberation, I did decide to go ahead and make a go of it, but run it exclusively for my grandmother. Sure I had time goals, but this became a "big picture" race-using my gift of run to honor her. 

Saturday brought more stress- so much so my left eye was noticeably bloodshot and slightly closed, and my chest had an odd tightness to it when I ran my 3-mile shake-out run in the morning. That was the first flash of somethings-not-rightness; I shook it off, though, because my legs felt decent. 
by afternoon time I was feeling a little less drained and some optimism came back in. My aunt fixed an awesome pasta dinner and I was off to bed early. 

After a decent night's sleep, I woke with minimal anxiety, gathered my things: gear, bagel, and Houston Blend Coffee (doesn't my San Antonio aunt have good taste?:)) then headed to meet coach and Mary at their hotel to ride together to the start.  Once there, I took advantage of the VIP (thanks, Michael R.!) area where I used the non-portocan and warmed up in the convention center among the likes of Shalane Flanagan (the eventual winner), Brent Vaughn, and Desiree Ficker. 

At the start, I glanced at my race bib, which had "For Nana" written across it with her initials written in Sharpie down both my arms. I never have had the opportunity to run as a tribute, so this was rather emotional for me. I thought about her a lot during the race. Especially at every mile with the exception of the first 3 when I wanted to bag it. Yep, physically I had some issues here. I know several runners who will save it for another day, but this was not one of those days I would do that. 

I started out controlled, or so I thought through unusually humid conditions at 6:30 pace and held it for the first 3, but then experienced some breathing difficulties like I've never experienced before. Ever. Like my lungs just couldn't expand or I had a scarf on three knots too tight. Crap. After watching my pace slide and a little scared/dumbfounded, I chose to switch the garmin screen to total time and just ran. And never got comfortable. You see, you have to have good breathing to be comfortable. Man, I was tired-and I felt as if I was carrying things on me in this race that I have never carried before. It was ugly and beautiful at the same time. I knew I had to overcome me in order to get this done. 

I had to remind myself to commit to this race and I talked myself through it's entirety. My breathing never really improved so I ran 10 miles feeling like I only had one lung. My legs, strangely enough were still okay. I had to gut it out with what breath I had, I had to manage my pace even if it felt glacial. I had to overcome this. I had to stay conscious. I had to finish. I am running for Nana. I was running to get the weight of the week and everything associated off my chest. It may have slowed me down, but it was not going to break me. While it sucked that I had to run dealing with this, I did the best I could-simply because that's all I could do in the situation. 

The late miles actually came rather quickly, although I was running at a far slower pace than I usually race at, in all honesty- what I do for long runs at some spots. I had no energy, but still I pressed forward. My self talk went a little like this: "This has no bearing on you as a runner", "this has no bearing of you as an individual", "just commit to this", "it's not always going to be this hard", and "Run with Honor". Towards the end of the race I looked at the sky, I looked at my "tats" on my arms, and I gave it effort just short of needing medical attention and staying conscious (yeah, there were a couple times I got lightheaded). I don't think I truly bonked, it just wasn't my day, considering it all. There were things bigger than Adrienne against her this day. It could have happened on a long run; it just happened to be today.

Towards the finish: ok-that ramp thing at the end of the race is just evil! I basically trudged up it and tried to give it a 'kick' towards the finish, where for the second time, I fell over after crossing. I had been without full O2 for quite a while. I felt an odd sense of pride, even if the clock read 1:39 (for prides sake, It should have been 1:36-:37ish as I said "screw it" basically and made a pit stop-another first in an attempt to get comfortable) because I ran the edge today-I gave it all and did my genuine best with what I was given on this particular day in this particular situation. Perhaps the coolest moment was meeting my parents afterward and hearing from my dad how incredibly proud of me he was for my effort.  I hope my grandmother is proud of me too. 

I had a nice block of training, however, there are things that I could not overcome on the day. It was reconfirmed that I am not a quitter and I have it in me to stay the course, even when it hurts. Also, it is really cool to put yourself aside for a while and let basically a singular force pull you through-ok that and God may have intervened a bit. While I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't a little disappointed, but I just have to make adjustments and stay at it. I didn't let the disappointment take over like it has in the past either. Regarding the conditions, I met another 1:22 PR runner who ran a similar time to mine today, and she confirmed the toughness of the conditions. 

These experiences really do help put things in perspective. Yes, I just ran a race, but it was all part of a bigger picture. For this race, special thanks goes out to my parents, Coach Bill, Mary C. my extended family who supported me running even in these circumstances, and of course Nana-thanks for always believing in me. 

It wasn't fast or pretty, but I got it done. 

Stay the course. 


14 comments:

Junie B said...

My heart is with you Adrienne. It truly is. I know how hard that was; believe I know.

I hope that all works out in your grandmothers situation. Prayers to you and your family.

And you're right. The time you ended at does not define you. What you did and in the spirit you did it in...Yes, that most definitely defines you.

You can close the barn door later. Right now, its still open. Waiting for you.

Ana-Maria RunTriLive said...

Oh, sorry about the race. Makes sense you did not run to your potential given the intense stress preceding the race, and the race conditions. You are a strong runner and I have no doubt you will get that 1:20 next time. Rest up!

Amanda@runninghood said...

Sorry that your races wasn't all that you wanted it to be. There are so many things that can affect our performances. Sounds like you had some big emotional stuff as well as other conditions affecting you and I'm sorry about this. What a special thing to be able to run this race for your Nana though. I hope that this race experience just works as fuel for your next one. You're awesome Adrienne. Thank you for sharing your experience with us.

Girl In Motion said...

This "There were things bigger than Adrienne against her this day. It could have happened on a long run; it just happened to be today." is about the smartest thing ever. Hope your Grandma's ok, you honored her beautifully.

Leah @ Chasing Atalanta said...

Rough day, both emotionally and physically. My hat's off to you for toughing it out, because I know exactly what it feels like to have your lungs go out like that. It happened to me at Crim 2009. I could only take the shallowest of breaths and I think the only reason I was able to finish was because a friend of mine with asthma gave me her inhaler as she passed me. I have no idea what caused it and it's never happened since, but I remember how scary it was.

My thoughts are with you and your Nana.

Colin Hayes said...

Those are some well-expressed, poignant thoughts. I know it took a lot to gut it out and finish, but it was a nice tribute to your grandmother. My prayers are with your whole family.
On a lighter note...your 'personal worst' HM is better than my PR so far!
Seriously, take care of yourself during what sounds like a very stressful time.

K said...

Praying for you, praying for your Nana. I am so proud of you for sticking it out, though, I would be proud of you either way. Today, you showed yourself what you are made of. You probably didn't even realize you had that much grit inside you, but we all did!
Another day, another run...this one is done no one can ever take that away from you.

Prasetyo said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
L.A. Runner said...

I am your biggest fan. I thought about you so much out there yesterday. I'm sorry for everything you are dealing with. Once again, remember how far you've come and how much you've OVERCOME in the past year or so. There is truly something to be said for that. You are a fighter, honeybadger. LOVE YOU!

Jenny said...

Adrienne, I know how it feels to have a race not go the way you planned. You are amazing and I know you are so mentally tough. I totally agree that races like this make you stronger. The conditions were really tough on race day (from everything I've heard). I hope your Nana is ok. I'll keep her in my prayers. You're a rockstar and that 1:20 is coming for you!!!!

Jill said...

I'm sorry things didn't pan out differently for the race, girl! I've been there so many times and absolutely know the heartache you feel. Yet you also persevered some tough race conditions while battling some personal conflicts and stress...that says a lot about your badass toughness character!! This race actually showed you a lot of that and when the next race comes, you will reflect on this having learned the thigns you did and how awesome will that be!! I'm very proud of you! Big hugs to you!

Raina said...

Oh, so much I can relate to here. Very sorry about your race experience. The heat and humidity would make me wilt, but the emotional side really adds to the challenge. I have been so upset while running that I could not breathe. I have no idea if you were crying while running, but that is hard to do! I hope your eye and chest are cleared up.
You are a strong, strong lady. There is a better race ahead, for sure. I peaked at your log and you are right-- It's just a blip in the radar. On to the next goal, which I am confident you will exceed.

Daniel said...

Live to fight another day. Give everything you have with the cards dealt to you in that race, and then get ready for the next one!

I guarantee skipping the race would have been a mistake (I've been there), sometimes just getting it done means much more than getting it done well.

Richard said...

I'm sorry to hear about your family difficulties and wish you will get through these times as quickly as possible.
I'm glad to read that you stuck out the race and finished, even if it was subpar for you. Some of my past races of which I am ultimately the most proud as the ones I finished under adversity with times that I would otherwise consider to have been less desirable.